Uncertainty

I have been feeling relatively disheartened of late. Most of which has to do with my lack of performance in university. Going into uni in September, I thought to myself that it would be pretty low key and not hard to do well...little did I know. My achievements are definitely lacking and as I far too often do(those of you who know my past, know exactly what I'm talking about), I am once again found in a place of attributing my value, as a person, on my academic accomplishments. Why I do this to myself...I really do not know...I know it is stupid...I know my worth is not something that is attained, but is a matter of who I am in Christ. Why can't this Truth be enough for me? Will I ever come to a place in my life where I can be satisfied simply with who I am in Him. Sometimes, I find glimpses of this Truth (that I am valued by God) resonating in my life, but more often than not I end up back at square one within a matter of months or sometimes even weeks. I think academics are the area I struggle most with when it comes to surrendering my all to Him, especially having experienced the results of trying to let it go. If I don't become anal in studying, I know I won't do well, but if I do, I risk falling back into the state I once was. In many ways, I feel like the risk is worth it, but is this really what the Lord wants of me? Yes, He wants me to put my all into all I do, but for His glory, not my own. Surrendered life is comprised of obedience & trust. Do I trust that if I surrender this area of my life to Him that all things will work for good.? Yes, I do...but resting in that and moving forth in that belief is where the difficulty lies. What if I don't achieve academic success? Is God trying to teach me that this kind of success is not what He wants from me? I want it for myself though. Or is He just trying to teach me the art of balancing my life? I worry that if I let my 'need' to 'do well' go that it may just be an unconscious cop-out of allowing myself to be lazy. Why do I have to analyze every aspect of my life to the n-th degree? I know that I cannot fulfill God's purposes for my life while focusing on my own plans and wants for that matter and that the 'practice' of surrender is a lifelong process that involves making the decision to do so moment-by-moment...I suppose it all lies within the virtue of patience...Patience to let Him work in His own time.